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Having one child and trying to get out of the house is difficult, but two under two, is almost impossible. Here’s our Step by Step Guide of attempting to do this should you be up for the challenge.
1. Determine Importance of Leaving the House- if it can be put off until you can go alone stop reading and relax. If necessary take a deep breath, meditate if possible and prepare for the inevitable headache.
2. Write out a detailed agenda to be sure you are efficient during your time out of the house.
3. Look in the mirror and decide if a shower is necessary (if not spray some perfume
, brush your teeth and skip to step 6)
4. Time to attempt to shower: leave children with dad if possible and try to enjoy your shower. (If this is not possible good luck and keep reading)
5. How to shower when Dad isn’t around: to obtain a shower you must either attempt before the kids wake up, while they nap, bring them in with you or bribe them with a favorite television show. That is if you can get them to sit still for longer than 5 minutes. (Warning this tactic only has a 20% success rate- the shower is usually interrupted several times and the house turns to chaos)
6. Attempt to get dressed. This usually means, changing into “cleaner” yoga pants
, a t-shirt that isn’t a wrinkled mess that you pulled from the dirty hamper and a pair of mismatched socks.
7. You have already taken to much time on yourself. The two month old is crying and needs to be fed. Stop what you are doing to breast feed the baby. While doing so you realize there are more things to add to the errand list. Your toddler begins screaming that his wants a snack. Pull the hidden snack bag of goldfish from the couch and give to said toddler.
8. You notice that while nursing you leaked through your shirt and need to change. Go to your room and find another semi-clean shirt.
9. Now it is time to start packing the diaper bag
. (Items needed: extra clothes because the toddler will get sticky and the infant will puke on himself, a snack for toddler that will lead to him being sticky, diapers, toys, and drinks)
10. Change and dress the toddler.
11. Change and dress the infant.
12. Your toddler spills his drink all over his shirt and pants and needs to be changed.
2. Write out a detailed agenda to be sure you are efficient during your time out of the house.
3. Look in the mirror and decide if a shower is necessary (if not spray some perfume
, brush your teeth and skip to step 6)4. Time to attempt to shower: leave children with dad if possible and try to enjoy your shower. (If this is not possible good luck and keep reading)
5. How to shower when Dad isn’t around: to obtain a shower you must either attempt before the kids wake up, while they nap, bring them in with you or bribe them with a favorite television show. That is if you can get them to sit still for longer than 5 minutes. (Warning this tactic only has a 20% success rate- the shower is usually interrupted several times and the house turns to chaos)
6. Attempt to get dressed. This usually means, changing into “cleaner” yoga pants
, a t-shirt that isn’t a wrinkled mess that you pulled from the dirty hamper and a pair of mismatched socks.7. You have already taken to much time on yourself. The two month old is crying and needs to be fed. Stop what you are doing to breast feed the baby. While doing so you realize there are more things to add to the errand list. Your toddler begins screaming that his wants a snack. Pull the hidden snack bag of goldfish from the couch and give to said toddler.
8. You notice that while nursing you leaked through your shirt and need to change. Go to your room and find another semi-clean shirt.
9. Now it is time to start packing the diaper bag
. (Items needed: extra clothes because the toddler will get sticky and the infant will puke on himself, a snack for toddler that will lead to him being sticky, diapers, toys, and drinks)10. Change and dress the toddler.
11. Change and dress the infant.
12. Your toddler spills his drink all over his shirt and pants and needs to be changed.
13. Search for your wallet that your toddler ran off with while you were dressing your infant. After 25 minutes of searching you find your wallet in the in dirty diaper pail.
14. Wipe off your dirty wallet and put it back into the diaper bag. Breath, you are getting closer. Oh no! Your infant just pooped. You change his diaper and as you are dressing him he spits up all over your semi-clean shirt.
15. You go on a search for another semi-clean shirt only to realize that you don’t have any and you really need to do the massive amount of laundry that is taking over your bedroom and never seems to dissipate. You give up and attempt to scrub the spit up from your shirt. Spray yourself with perfume to cover up the vomit smell and realize afterwards that it was your husband’s cologne. Oh well! You figure smelling like a man for the day is better than vomit.
16. Put the diaper bag into the car, and chase after the toddler who does not want to go “bye-bye” and has now lost his shoes. Spend another 10 minutes looking for his shoes.
17. Your toddler now has shoes back on his feet and you strap him into his car seat.
14. Wipe off your dirty wallet and put it back into the diaper bag. Breath, you are getting closer. Oh no! Your infant just pooped. You change his diaper and as you are dressing him he spits up all over your semi-clean shirt.
15. You go on a search for another semi-clean shirt only to realize that you don’t have any and you really need to do the massive amount of laundry that is taking over your bedroom and never seems to dissipate. You give up and attempt to scrub the spit up from your shirt. Spray yourself with perfume to cover up the vomit smell and realize afterwards that it was your husband’s cologne. Oh well! You figure smelling like a man for the day is better than vomit.
16. Put the diaper bag into the car, and chase after the toddler who does not want to go “bye-bye” and has now lost his shoes. Spend another 10 minutes looking for his shoes.
17. Your toddler now has shoes back on his feet and you strap him into his car seat.
18. Now you strap your infant into the car seat but as you buckle him he throws up all over himself. Wipe up the spit up and refuse to change his outfit yet again.
18. Open your car door and get in, shut the door. Breathe.
18. Open your car door and get in, shut the door. Breathe.
Congratulations!!! You are ready to leave the house. You can now run the errands 3 hours after you decided that you needed to. Don’t get too excited, you are in store for a million other spills, tantrums, pukes and diaper changes. Make sure you have a bottle of wine on your list because you are going to need it later.
About the author: Melanie resides just south of Pittsburgh with her fiancé Jon and their two sons: Jace (who will be two in December) and Jaedyn (who was born in July). They are a cloth diapering, baby-wearing, breastfeeding, semi-crunchy family.
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Melanie, i love your guest posts on this blog! Do you have your own blog? How can we follow you on social media?
We love her posts too! She's amazing. We are doing a trial run right now with her and will hopefully bring her on our team full time at the beginning of the year as part of our team! Please follow all our social media (located at the top of the page) so you don't miss any of her posts!
Hilarious! At this point if he spills when we are trying to leave the house I usually just leave it! Dirty shirt? Oh well!