October 15th is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day. No matter the day though, these are 10 ways to help your grieving friend through pregnancy of infant loss.
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Trigger Warning: This post talks about pregnancy and infant loss.
Fran Solomon, Founder of HealGrief.org says that a parent “will never get over the loss of {their} child”.
Unless you’ve lost a child, you will never know what the experience is like as a parent who has. It’s also important to realize that every single mother and father processes a loss differently. Also, every single day may be different. Some days will be easier than others. And the pain from loosing a child, will never go away. Every parent will always wonder about the child than is no longer on Earth with them.
Unfortunately, one in four pregnancies result in a loss. Not one in four women, but one in four pregnancies. That means that many women experience loss more than one time. Since pregnancy loss is still a very taboo topic, many women go through this experience alone without telling others.
When speaking on infant loss, the rate of infant mortality in the United States in almost 6 births per 1,000.
Thankfully, more women are being brave enough to speak out their losses, helping other women know they are not alone. However, when they do this, they also being more vulnerable. As friends and family members, there are ways to help that can aid in the grieving parents.
Know that every Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day they are vulnerable and hurting. But also know that so many other days throughout the year they are too.
The Importance of Saying Grieving Parents
My closest friend is a grieving parent. She has experience both pregnancy loss and child loss. Both things that a parent should never have to go through.
Read more about her sweet boy Beau in these posts:
One of the most important things I’ve learned being her friend through these losses is that the father is often forgotten. We always remember the mother. However, since we are a culture that thrives on tough masculinity, it’s often forgotten that these fathers are also grieving. They are reeling in the hurt of also what could have been and it’s so very important that we look at today as grieving parents and not only grieving mothers.
10 Ways to Help a Grieving Friend Through Pregnancy or Infant Loss
There are so many ways that we can truly help a grieving parent. On this Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I’m sharing just 10 ways that you can help:
- Just sit (and maybe listen)
- Just sitting with a grieving parent to let them know they are not alone is a huge help. Sometimes they may want to or not want to talk. Just letting them know they are not alone, is a tremendous way to help.
- Cook Them Dinner (or order out for them/send them a giftcard
for dinner)
- Send over pizza from their favorite spot. Grab a giftcard from their favorite restaurant. Or cook something for them that you know they love. Food brings people together and comforts. This is one of the best ways to help.
- Do Their Grocery Shopping (and other errands)
- Sometimes a grieving parent just doesn’t want to be around others. Often times, being in a store with people buzzing around, can increase anxiety. Having these errands done for them is a tremendous help.
- Clean up around the house
- Do their dishes, the laundry, mop the floors, clean the bathrooms, pull the weeds out front. Anything that you can do to alleviate some of the stress from the grieving parent will be a huge help
- Bring a basket of their favorite snacks, chocolate, ice cream
- If you don’t know, ask. Sometimes something as simple as dropping off their favorite candy bar or bag of chips is one of the most simple but generous things you can offer. It says, “hi, I see you and remember you,” in the most simple way. Drop at their door and send a text letting them know it’s outside.
- Bring a tree to plant so their can celebrate the life year after year
- A butterfly bush is a beautiful way to do this.
- Take their other children out for a playdate (even if it’s just to the backyard)
- Children needs outlets too. In the case of pregnancy and infant Loss awareness day, if a mother had a miscarriage, she may not have told her told children she was pregnant yet. The other children still need creative outlets for their energy. This is a huge help.
- Send a card
- Just one that says “Thinking of You” -1 month, 2 months, 3 months, a year after the loss just to let them know that someone else hasn’t forgotten. They will never forget, but their fear is that everyone else has.
- Make them laugh
- Laughter makes everything better, even if just for a brief moment. If you know a way, make them laugh.
- Always keep asking them out
- Whether it’s a week from the loss, a month, or a year. As stated above, every parent processes loss different. That being said, sometimes it takes longer for others. Never stop asking them to hang out, have playdates, etc.
A Few Don’ts on Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day
According to Solomon, you shouldn’t avoid talking to the family who lost a child. They need companionship so much more during this time. However, you should avoid saying any of the following:
- I know how you feel (instead let them experience and express their own grief, even if you yourself have experience loss).
- Shouldn’t you be doing…. (Let them grieve how they want).
- Everything happens for a reason.
- He/She is in a better place now.
- God won’t give you more than you can handle.
- Thank goodness you’re young and you can still have more children.
- At least you still have (Insert name of other child(ren).
Instead offer support and understand and just be there as a friend, a family person, a coworker, etc. Everyone handles loss differently and it’s important to understand each person’s grieving process as it relates to them and their situation. And never forget.
On this Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day, I hope that you reach out to a friend that is grieving and tell them you haven’t forgotten.
This post is in honor of my beautiful sister, my dear friend, and all other families that have experienced infant or child loss in their life.
PIN THIS POST ABOUT PREGNANCY AND INFANT LOSS AWARENESS FOR LATER:
This post was originally published on 10/15/2014.
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Tammy S says
October 17, 2014 at 1:03 pmThese are all really great tips! We lost our daughter when she was 4 months old. So my advice is to just be there for your friend and listen. Every person deals with it differently, so try to read the other persons body language. Thanks for sharing these tips!
Were Parents says
October 18, 2014 at 5:15 pmI'm so sorry for your loss. But thank you for your words. I'm trying my best.
Kristy says
October 15, 2018 at 12:41 pmThis is such a great post with lots of good tidbits! I ran into my friend at our OB doctor minutes after she found out she lost her baby, just as I was going in for the same appointment, we were the same weeks pregnant, and my baby was fine. It still tears me up to think about it for her. She’s commented since that seeing my daughter makes her think of her daughter, and what stage in life she would be in now. I just hugged her that day and let her cry, it was quite an emotional day and I think of her every single day!
Larisha Campbell says
October 19, 2018 at 7:45 amThank you for your sweet words and story. I’m so sorry for your friend’s loss. It’s so hard knowing what to do but just being there like you were is definitely one of the best things you can do, even now.