I don’t sleep with my husband is a look into the lives of real parenthood. This post is about the truths of parenting and how if may not be ideal, but parents do everything to find a working solution for their family.
Spoiler Alert: First off, we aren’t even married so technically he’s not my husband.
Secondly, get your mind out of the gutter. We’re talking about shutting my eyes and sleeping. Trust me, my sexual needs are being taken care of. TMI????
Now that you have that imagery in your head, let’s get started.
I don’t sleep with my husband.
We sleep in separate rooms which means separate beds. He sleeps in our master bedroom and I sleep in our girls’ room with our girls. Most of the time…it’s complicated.
I remember the first time I told a friend that she looked at me like I had 35 heads. What did I mean we didn’t sleep in the same bed? What kind of nonsense was this? We weren’t 80, why was this happening? I laughed, but she was genuinely confused. And this is typically how the conversation goes every single time it comes up with a friend.
How did we get here?
Let’s go wayyyyy back. It wasn’t always like this. A little over 5 years ago we had our first child. We swore she would never end up in our bed. After not even a week, we were both exhausted. No one was sleeping. The baby ended up falling asleep on my chest one night and all three of us had the best sleep since becoming a family of three. Our journey into attachment parenting kicked up a notch after that night. Soon, she was in our bed all the time. We figured out the safest way to bedshare (co-sleep) and never looked back after that.
We slept this way for over 2 years until baby #2 came into our lives. Things got a little more complicated at this point. Andrew has extremely long days at work outside of the house, so it was important to both of us that he got sleep. We tried transitioning our first into her own room, but ultimately, it was a lot of back and forth for me.
I’m not the type of person that can function on little sleep so something had to change and change fast. Our home was miserable. Everyone was grumpy. And everyone was being affected. The solution….sleep in separate beds. Him in our own master bed and me with our girls in their room. Most nights, I will fall asleep with him in our room and then when one of the girls wakes up, I will go in their room for the rest of the night.
“This is why we don’t co-sleep. Life is not functionable like this.”
“I would have done cry-it-out. There’s no way I’m not sleeping with my husband in our bed.”
“Your sex life must be miserable.”
“The kids would have to go.”
We’ve heard all these things, but what these people fail to realize is that this is a temporary solution. The way we’ve chosen to live our lives isn’t the end of the world, nor is it a permanent solution. Our goal when having kids was to fit ourselves into their lives, not them into ours. But seriously. This isn’t the end all be all. The world is this cruel and evil place. Now, more than ever. Right now, our girls need closeness and comfort that they get from laying with their mother for a few hours every night.
Also, this works for us! Everyone is happy. Our girls sleep (mostly). I sleep. Andrew sleeps. That was our goal and we are succeeding at it even if it’s not a traditional method that everyone has. Our girls are the most important thing we’ve even done and we know that only a few more weekends are going to go by before they are moving out of our house. Truthfully, think about it. We have 18 summers with our children. We all know how fast summers come and go, so for us, we are going to savor the few nights that seem like a drop in the bucket until they no longer need me. Until then…I don’t sleep with my husband.
PS. Why do people assume that because you don’t sleep for 7 hours in a bed together at night means you aren’t having a sex life? Y’all realize that sex does not have to happen in the bed at night after the lights are out and you are supposed to be going to bed right? Okay then.
PPS. We’re still happy and in love and thriving in our relationship!
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I think being a parent means doing what’s best for your children and in your family, it’s you co-sleeping with your girls.
I end up sleeping on the sofa in our den most nights so I can be there for my oldest child in case he needs me during the night (for his Type 1 Diabetes) and we don’t wake up my husband, who also needs his sleep. This way I can get up and check my kid and treat a low blood sugar if necessary. It’s not the perfect situation, but I need to be able to hear my kid at night.
Absolutely!
We do the same here .. have for 20 years almost and it works amazingly well for everyone. We still have incredible intimacy , my husband likes to watch TV all night when he can’t sleep, I need absolute quiet to get my 8 hours, he snores so loud, I don’t. This is the best thing we did for our marriage believe me, no arguing about what went wrong with last night!
Thanks for sharing.
Thank you for reading and sharing your story! I’m glad to know we aren’t alone!
Wow! Great perspective, thanks for sharing! Best parts were, “18 summers” and your PS, lol. 🙂
HAHA! Thanks for reading!
My husband and I did the same thing when our girls were little. I think it’s wonderful. And you’re right, those summers go by too quickly.
Whatever works for our own family, right? So happy it worked out for you also!